Withering Relationships: Reviving the Connection or Peacefully Parting Ways

Thrive • Feb 24, 2022

By Thrive Reno Therapist Brett Glanzmann, MFT

THREE INDICATORS OF AN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Healthy relationships flourish with independence, honesty, empathy, trust, compromise, and effort. However, just as no person is perfect, no relationship is entirely flawless either. Addressing harmful behaviors early on can keep them from ruining the relationship. Possessiveness, competitiveness, and contempt are strong indicators that a relationship is deteriorating.

Possessiveness

Within a relationship, partners should have the ability to maintain independent identities. This is called differentiation. Possessiveness doesn’t allow space for differentiation. Instead, possessiveness can be used to control a partner, overtake their sense of independence, and diminish their sense of self.

A possessive partner may:

Attempt to control their partner’s time
Constantly check in on their partner
Control who their partner spends time with
Exhibit extreme jealousy
Move fast within the relationship, such as by saying, “I love you,” soon after just meeting
Snoop through their partner’s texts, emails, or social media

Competitiveness

While friendly competition between partners can act as a fun and flirty diversion, excessive competitiveness occurs when partners don’t work like they’re on the same team. Extreme competitiveness can cause partners to experience low self-esteem and place relationships in jeopardy.

Excessive competitiveness may be expressed as:

Engaging in fights that don’t involve listening to each other, but are solely focused on being right for the sake of “winning”
Taking opportunities to belittle, criticize, demean, or blame one’s partner
Inability to compromise
Resenting one’s partner’s successes
Avoiding being vulnerable with one’s partner
Frequently using ultimatums to manipulate one’s partner

Contempt

The Gottman Institute , a research-based relationship resource, maintains that contempt is one of the strongest indicators of an unhealthy relationship. Contempt is characterized by a long-simmering disgust not only for a partner’s behavior but their very existence.

Contempt may be expressed as:

Condescension, or feeling superior to one’s partner
Hostile humor, such as using sarcasm, mocking, or mimicking one’s partner
Disrespectful non-verbal cues, such as eye-rolling or sneering

RELATIONSHIP CHECK-INS

When destructive behaviors are swept under the rug, they can provoke feelings of resentment and become detrimental to relationships. A weekly relationship check-in can keep unhealthy behaviors at bay by encouraging partners to engage in productive communication.

To mitigate any nerves and foster insightful conversations, relationship check-ins should be:

Welcoming: Relationships check-ins don’t need to be formal, tense, or intimidating. Instead, they should provide casual opportunities for partners to express themselves honestly without fear of judgment.
Comfortable: Partners should choose a mutually convenient time and place that invites them to focus on the conversation in a calm environment with limited distractions.
Affirming: Partners should approach the conversations with the intent to engage in active listening, empathy, and affirmation.

By creating space for regular, constructive communication, relationship check-ins can help partners feel understood and cultivate deeper connections.

WHEN TO CONSIDER COUPLES THERAPY

If facing certain relationship difficulties, couples may want to attend therapy to work through their differences.

This may be the case if:

Productive communication seems impossible.

When couples are unable to effectively and safely communicate about their relationship problems, they should seek professional support. If partners stonewall conversations about undesirable behaviors or overreact when attempting to address conflicts, a relationship therapist can help couples navigate difficult topics and facilitate positive and productive conversation.

Partners feel stuck in a negative cycle.

If couples feel stuck in a negative cycle of toxic behaviors, they should consider couples therapy. In a negative cycle, one partner’s unhealthy behavior triggers an adverse behavior in the other partner, which amplifies the original action and so on. The catastrophic cycle endures and can spiral out of control. An unbiased professional can help couples replace negative routines with healthy habits rooted in love and respect.

ENDING A RELATIONSHIP PEACEFULLY

If partners refuse to dedicate the necessary effort to mend the relationship or are unable to empathize with each other despite their attempts, they may want to consider concluding their relationship.

Most don’t enter into relationships lightly. Instead, it’s more common for individuals to thoughtfully consider how to join lives with a partner. A similarly thoughtful approach can be beneficial for parting ways.

Conscious uncoupling is a peaceful relationship-ending strategy designated by Katherine Woodward Thomas, LMFT and further popularized by Esther Perel, LMFT . While conscious uncoupling is best mediated by trained therapists, partners can consciously uncouple by kindly saying goodbye, offering well-wishes, revealing lessons learned, and sharing meaningful memories.

By allowing individuals to move on with their lives without harboring any resentment, conscience uncoupling can offer amicable endings and beautiful new beginnings for each person involved.

NURTURE YOUR RELATIONSHIP AT THRIVE

At Thrive, couples can address relationship complications, strengthen their communication skills, develop a deeper understanding of each other, and foster empathy and compassion. For more information about Thrive’s couples therapy , reach out .

About the Author

Thrive Reno Therapist Brett Glanzmann, MFT

Brett Glanzmann, MFT, earned his master’s degree in counseling from the University of Nevada, Reno. He offers individual, couples, and family therapy, believing that people possess the resources required to maximize their quality of life. Brett has a specific passion for helping all types of couples rediscover their unique connection while growing in their communication skills. He enjoys helping his clients pursue meaning in their everyday lives, removing the obstacles that hinder growth and thriving. Brett also enjoys inclusive, faith-based counseling, having over 20 years of pastoral counseling experience in the Truckee Meadows.

The post Withering Relationships: Reviving the Connection or Peacefully Parting Ways first appeared on Thrive Wellness.

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Clean House, Healthy Mind: Spring Cleaning Benefits for Mental Health

By Sage Tippie • 23 Apr, 2024

Spring Cleaning Benefits for Mental Health Spring is a time of new beginnings, change, and transitions, including in our homes. With the warmer weather kicking motivation into high gear, Spring can be a prime time to do a deep clean. Not only is a clean space aesthetically pleasing to the eyes, but it can also help to improve your mental health. Learn about how tidying up your space can also tidy up your thoughts below along with tips for cleaning when you’re struggling with your mental health. 4 Reasons Why Cleaning is Beneficial to Mental health 1.Decreased Stress Not only does an uncluttered space provide a sense of calm, but the physical act of cleaning can release feel-good endorphins, reducing feelings of stress and anxiety. As you cross tasks off your checklist, your body also releases Dopamine. Also known as the “happy hormone”, Dopamine provides a sense of accomplishment and pride that can promote motivation in other areas of our lives. 2. Improved Focus Studies have shown that an uncluttered space can also lead to an uncluttered mind. Your focus can be drawn away from important tasks by a chaotic, messy space. Research has also shown a connection between procrastination and clutter, as an unwillingness to tackle larger chores like cleaning can translate over into various areas of our lives. By keeping your space tidy, it can inspire you to stay on top of other major tasks like work and school assignments. 3. Regulated Emotions According to this 2015 study , cleaning can function as a practice in mindfulness, providing an increased sense of calm and inspiration. Slowing down while cleaning gives you room to relax and free your mind of burdens, stressors, and irritants that can affect your mental health. Cleaning can even be considered a practice of self-care as the action helps you to connect with yourself and the outcome allows you to better enjoy your own space. 4. Sense of Order and Control When experiencing mental health struggles, people may feel a lack of control over their lives and emotions. Cleaning even small areas of the home can provide an increased sense of order and control as you cross tasks off your to-do list. Through realizing your own power by simply completing minor tasks like cleaning, it can reaffirm your ability to do more. 10 Tips for Cleaning When Struggling with Mental Health Mental health struggles and disorders commonly create barriers to one’s ability to clean and properly practice personal hygiene. Although these behaviors are normal side effects of mental health disorders, we want to work to aid our clients in cleaning to the best of their ability even in difficult times. Below, Thrive Wellness occupational therapist Meadow Deason shares some helpful tips she gives to clients when they struggle with cleaning due to mental health conditions: 1.Ask For Help Having support to clean can make a huge difference. Do the cleaning with the person helping you and have them hold you accountable. 2. Don't Wait for Motivation Motivation might not come before action, but it can build as you begin to see the results of your efforts. 3. Start Small Start with one area or one task and go from there. For example, concentrate on your bedroom first and then move on to the living room and bathroom. 4. Do Something Daily Even if you do only one small cleaning task a day, doing that one task creates momentum and prevents small tasks from building up and becoming overwhelming. 5. Use Sensory Modulation Change your environment by playing music, adjusting the lighting, or using aromatherapy. This can help to put you in a new headspace for cleaning. 6. Start with "High Impact" Tasks Start with more intensive or all-over cleaning tasks such as picking up clutter or doing the dishes. The visual "noise" of some tasks makes a large impact on the entire space, building motivation to continue cleaning. 7. Make a To-Do List Write a detailed to-do list of tasks and cross them off as you go. Physically marking down what you’ve accomplished can promote increased motivation. 8. Reward Yourself Set up a reward system where you reward yourself with a favorite activity or item when you complete a task as an incentive to clean. 9. Use the Rocket Method Don't think about it, just choose a task, countdown from five or ten and then start. This can help you to avoid potential anxiety and dread that can prevent you from cleaning. 10. Gamify Tasks Make up a game for your tasks or time yourself to promote increased engagement in cleaning. Your ability to complete tasks can be affected by a multitude of different factors and conditions including OCD , anxiety, depression , ADHD , and more. If you are struggling with motivation due to your mental health, help is here at Thrive Wellness.

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