Tips and Tricks for Adjusting to New Parenthood: Your Therapist’s Expectations vs. Your Reality as a New Parent
Thrive • May 18, 2021
By Amanda Boe, PMAD Program Clinical Lead and Therapist at Thrive
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL
Just get through the day. This has been a mantra that I’ve held on to quite tightly throughout my pregnancy and post-partum. My daughter is six months old and after experiencing three miscarriages prior to her, the only thing I was focused on was staying pregnant. So much so that I didn’t “nest” much or prepare my heart at all for the changes that were going to occur.
Most of the time I feel like I’m stumbling through the day. Well actually, I quite literally am stumbling like a drunk because I’ve had maybe 45 minutes of sleep (while my husband rested peacefully) and my body and circulation have changed! (Nobody told me that). With my feet throbbing on pins and needles, I rock and carry my baby who only wants me to hold her or stay within her line of sight. This is how we finish laundry, emails and this blog. Honestly more times than I’d like to admit, I have bumped my daughter’s head on our washer as I’m leaning in to transfer clothes.
This is it. This is motherhood. I question every single move I make. I wonder if people think I look awkward with my daughter. People call me a professional because I work with children, parents, and their RELATIONSHIPS, but honestly, I barely have a clue what I’m doing with my own. I wonder what my daughter thinks of me — poor thing may think it’s normal for mamas to have to look up everything on the internet before we try a new food.
I’ve often relied on my own mother, coworkers and mama friends to provide me with validation and insight while navigating motherhood. But when I text that mama friend about seeing things on the internet and asking her opinion, she kindly laughs it off and reminds me we are all struggling. That’s the input I need — I need to know I’m not the only one. Through this blog, I hope to shine a light on how the ethereal expectations of motherhood differ from the messy reality.
With this goal in mind, I asked some of my most valued mama friends who are also my coworkers to help normalize motherhood struggles and their responses were GOLD.
I’ll go first.
ADVICE FROM AMANDA
Amanda Boe, PMAD Program Clinical Lead and Therapist at Thrive
The struggle: Adjusting to balancing work and motherhood
- My advice as a therapist: It’s important to recognize that your identity can be in both your career and motherhood. Fostering and finding your sense of self is important while your systems change. My hope is that my relationship with myself is benefited by holding both roles.
- My experience as a parent: It’s not balancing. It’s holding so many things at once and if you drop one thing, you drop it all. But also don’t offer to take something off my plate because I don’t want to miss anything. The real balance is between FOMO and mom guilt.
ADVICE FROM ANN
Ann Edinton, LCSW, Therapist at Thrive
Here’s what my colleague, fellow mama, and friend, Ann Edgington, LCSW, had to say about parenting expectations vs. reality —
The struggle: Waking up throughout the night and the resulting sleep deprivation
- My advice as a therapist: Sleeping through the night is a developmental milestone similar to walking and talking. There are things you can do to help your child along, but ultimately they’re going to reach those milestones on their own, regardless of what you do. The part of their life when they are waking multiple times per night is very short in the whole picture of their life and certainly in the picture of their life in your care. Surround yourself with help. This can include support from family and friends, a night doula, or even a sleep consultant if that fits your style. Know that this too shall pass, and 3 a.m. is a great time to remember there are millions of others like you up at the exact same time for the exact same reason.
- My experience as a parent: Sleep when the baby sleeps, and clean when the baby cleans, amiright ? There’s the physical exhaustion of sleep deprivation but then there’s the exhaustion of just general parenthood (and parenthood in a pandemic and parenthood in America), which is next level and goes beyond just being sleepy. My kid’s morning smiles seem to wipe that out until the next night at 3 a.m. What a rollercoaster.
The struggle: Baby and toddler meltdowns
- My advice as a therapist: Humans are not born with coping skills or emotional or verbal processing skills, and all of these skills are vital to navigating conflict in our world. It’s our job as adults to take care of ourselves so that we can remain regulated enough to help our little ones through upsets and meltdowns. It’s so important to curate your environment so that you have the support you need to keep calm as you make your way through the meltdowns.
- My experience as a parent: All of the stuff you thought you had such a great handle on before the baby will come for you in the night, and the day, and several moments in between. You will have moments when you need to go sit in the room on the other side of the house so that you don’t hear your toddler screaming bloody murder because your partner is (God forbid) trying to wash the yogurt out of his hair in the bath. It’s not about eliminating those moments altogether, but continuing to put one foot in front of the other when those moments happen and knowing that it is not humanly possible for them to scream forever…right?
The struggle: Stressful mealtimes and feeding issues
- My advice as a therapist : It’s your job as the parent to decide when meal and snack times happen and what is on the menu; it is your child’s job to decide what to eat and how much of it. There are wonderful, evidence-based, and nonjudgemental resources in our community and online regarding lactation support, reflux, baby-led weaning, food allergies, and picky eating — among other feeding topics. It is developmentally typical for children to experience pickiness as they begin to differentiate themselves from others.
- My experience as a parent: Some of the best food advice I got was from my dad. He said, “Babies and dogs are similar in that they’ll eat when they’re hungry and they’ll poop when they’re full.” Except he didn’t say poop. The wisdom of our elders…
The struggle: Intimacy during postpartum
- My advice as a therapist : Once the baby is born you are not going to have the time or energy to stay up late and hash out money, sex, and communication conflicts like you did pre-baby. So take the time before the baby comes to talk about how you talk about these things, that way, you have a common language to fall back on once you need to. Read Come As You Are together. Consider couples counseling, before or after the baby. Consider pelvic floor physical therapy and/or individual mental health support as you relearn what your body needs and is comfortable with postpartum. It is so important that your partner understands that comfort with intimacy postpartum is so much more than that six-week clearance from your provider.
- My experience as a parent: Everyone told me, “Oh your relationship will change so much after the baby.” And I thought, — Nope not us. We’re bffs forever no matter what. HA. I really feel like the adrenaline of childbirth didn’t wear off until like six months postpartum, so intimacy at first felt fun because I still felt just as close to my dood then as I did when I was pregnant…and then it felt like the bottom fell out and I was a stranger in my own body. Pelvic floor physical therapy was LIFE CHANGING for so many reasons; intimacy was just one thing on that list. It helped me find my way back to myself, which was something I was not prepared to need to do. And now every Beyonce and Dolly Parton lady ballad hits even harder than it did before.
The struggle: Going back to work
- My advice as a therapist : Going back to work can trigger intense and confusing feelings, which are all normal. Explore with your employer what supports or accommodations might be available to you as you make this adjustment. For example, with regard to scheduling, chest feeding if that applies to you, or sick leave when needed. Talk with your partner or co-parenting caregivers about how the division of labor might change at home related to getting out the door in the morning and prepping for the next day in the evening. Seek mental health support to process how you’re feeling about going back.
- My experience as a parent: Death to the martyr mom narrative! Reject the narrative that you should feel guilt or, dare I say, that you should miss your babies 100 percent of the time when you’re not with them. NO. It’s healthy to separate yourself. It allows you to recharge yourself and be the kind of parent you know you want to be when you come back to them, and it widens the circle of people who love and care for them, which benefits you both. Trust your gut; when it’s time to fill your individual cup you will know, just like your parent gut tells you when it’s time to hug your babes close.
ADVICE FROM ANDREA
Andrea Thompson, APRN, FNP-C, PMHNP-BC, Psychiatric Nurse Practitioner at Thrive
The struggle: Waking up throughout the night and the resulting sleep deprivation
- My advice as a nurse : It is extremely important to discuss with your partner, support system and healthcare team how you can feasibly care for your baby and also get adequate rest. Inadequate sleep can be an exacerbating factor that may significantly influence your mental health which makes this topic even more important. Have these discussions prior to delivery, get a game plan, and then be flexible with your plan to ensure that you and your family can get much-needed rest. Some strategies may be to involve your partner in midnight feedings by getting you snacks/water, taking turns with feedings whenever possible, and being sure to discuss with your healthcare provider any barriers that may arise such as anxiety, infant feeding concerns, and safe sleeping practices with your infant.
- My experience as a parent: There may be times that you look across the room when you are up at 3 a.m. feeding your baby, stare at your partner and think, why do men even have nipples? Useless breasts! Some days you may not even know how you are functioning on such little sleep. (I have been through college several times and I can tell you that those ‘all nighters’ were nothing!) But with the right support, and the right mom friend to text at 3 a.m. who will allow you to laugh at the moments like when you realize you have forgotten to change your shirt for three days, you will get through this; it’s temporary. And that shirt is FASHION.
The struggle: Baby and toddler meltdowns
- My advice as a nurse : It is normal for babies and toddlers to respond in ways that can be difficult for their parents and caregivers to navigate. As their brain is developing rapidly and they are learning the world at a fast pace, the result can often be what we perceive as meltdowns as they learn to communicate how they feel. It is best to respond with patience and to validate their feelings. If you do have concerns regarding your children’s temperament or development, it is always a good idea to discuss with their pediatrician. They can also discuss safety precautions with you, especially when it comes to your infant/baby response.
- My experience as a parent: Oh for heaven’s sake, it’ll always happen in the middle of the park, in front of every other mom and it will most certainly be over the snacks you brought that were WRONG. Or if you are lucky, it will even include more than one of your children bickering with each other over the one and only stuffy we own, amiright ? Sometimes you just gotta ignore it, walk away and say out loud, whose kids are those!? If you vow to give the Hunger Games whistle and hand signal to any other mom going through the same thing, we all gonna be alright.
The struggle: Always feeling needed by your child and never having any alone time
- My advice as a nurse : It can be incredibly suffocating to always feel needed and/or ‘touched-out’ by our children and family. It can feel chaotic just to get through your daily routines and often moms feel as though they have little to no time for themselves. It’s important to prioritize time for yourself even if just for a short walk. It’s also important to be able to recognize if we need more assistance trying to process our feelings and emotions surrounding this topic. Tools for this could include attending a local moms’ group or perhaps considering individual or couples therapy to learn how to better communicate your needs.
- My experience as a parent: Ever hide in the bathroom? Does that count as meditation?
The struggle: Intimacy during postpartum
- My advice as a nurse : It can be intimidating to consider being intimate post-delivery, no matter who you deliver. It is also important to consider your future family planning and discuss with your care provider what your plans may be to prevent pregnancy if you so choose. It is not normal to feel pain while being intimate so be sure to discuss any concerns with your healthcare provider.
- My experience as a parent: That’s gonna be a no from me…
The struggle: Going back to work
- My advice as a nurse : Some birthing people can feel anxious to return to work while others may feel guilty that they are eager to flee the nest. Whatever your feelings surrounding this may be, be sure to talk with your care provider about how they can help you with your mental health. It’s also important to plan ahead if you can talk with your employer about how they can make this transition more seamless and to your partner/support system on how they will be able to help as well.
- My experience as a parent: I used to joke, when you get pregnant, you tell your partner, and then your child care provider. The list is LONG. I don’t like to think of the term balance there. It implies I am always trying not to fall. Each time I have returned to work postpartum, I have felt like I may fall on my face. I have cried in cars while I pumped and I have also gleefully dropped off my kiddo to head to work…what a roller coaster. I’ll save you a seat.
About the Authors
AMANDA BOE — PMAD Program Clinical Lead and Therapist
Amanda Boe earned her master’s degree in counseling from the University of Nevada, Reno. She has over nine years of experience working with children, individuals and families who have experienced trauma. Her experience also includes working with clients who live with perinatal mood disorders, anxiety, and depression. Amanda is passionate about healing relationships among families and unresolved trauma using evidence-based practices. She is certified in Child Parent Psychotherapy. Amanda offers individual, couples, and family therapy.
ANN EDGINGTON, LCSW — Therapist
Ann Edgington, LCSW, is originally from Chicago, Illinois and received her master’s degree in social work from Loyola University Chicago. Ann has been working with children, families, and adults who have experienced trauma for eight years. She found her way to infant and early childhood mental health treatment through her previous experience as a health educator, child welfare case manager, and clinical social worker in middle and high schools. She is currently completing training to become certified in Child-Parent Psychotherapy (CPP) as well as a certification in perinatal mental health (PMH-C). Ann is passionate about working with adults and children to process life experiences, explore how trauma lives in the body, and heal relationships through attachment-focused and evidence-based practices. In her free time, Ann enjoys cooking, baking, and hiking.
ANDREA THOMPSON, APRN — Perinatal Mental Health Nurse Practitioner
Andrea Thompson, APRN is a Nurse Practitioner whose background has stemmed in primary care, primarily working with under-served and under-insured populations. In early 2019, she started a program the first of its kind in Northern Nevada to integrate mental health services into a women’s health/OBGYN practice where she had a focus on perinatal mood and anxiety disorder diagnosis and treatment. She has completed certificate training with Postpartum Support International and is near complete with her Postmasters Certification as a Psychiatric Mental Health Nurse Practitioner. As a postpartum depression survivor herself, she has a passion for helping other women throughout their journey to mental wellness. She and her husband moved to the Reno area several years ago from Seattle, WA to settle into a place to raise their family; they have two young boys. Aside from spending time with her family outdoors, Andrea is also active in the efforts to improve the sexual health education offered to the youth in our community as well as advocating at the state level to support Nurse Practitioner autonomy and Maternal Mental Health.
Coming out is a deeply personal, courageous, and in many cases, life-changing act. Whether you're sharing your sexual orientation or gender identity, coming out is about embracing authenticity and sharing an essential part of who you are. During the process of coming out, prioritizing your mental health at every stage is crucial. In this blog, we'll discuss insights and strategies to support your mental health before, during, and after coming out. Wherever you are in your journey, know that your experience is valid and you are not alone. Understanding the Mental Impact of Coming Out Coming out can bring about a lot of big feelings, including fear, relief, joy, anxiety, grief, and hope, sometimes all at once. Know that heightened emotions during this time are completely normal. Sharing such an integral part of yourself with the world can feel intense, but even with the ups and downs, being authentically you is worth it. Because LGBTQIA+ individuals face added mental health burdens due to stigma and discrimination, taking care of yourself during this time is more important than ever. You might experience increased anxiety, mental exhaustion, or avoidance ahead of coming out, so don’t be afraid to reach out for support. At its core, coming out is about authentic self-expression and showing your truest self, which can feel both exciting and scary at the same time . The self-acceptance and community gained from coming out is a vital part of finding long-term strength and joy. Still, it’s okay if you feel uncertain or conflicted, and these feelings are just part of the process. Before Coming Out: Emotional Preparation Coming out starts with reflection. Remember that there’s no rush when it comes to figuring out who you are. It’s okay to take time to understand your identity and what coming out might mean for you. Here are a few questions to consider: What do I hope to gain by coming out? Who feels emotionally safe to talk to? What are my fears, and how can I manage them? Mental wellness tips before coming out: Journaling can help you better understand your feelings and fears and explore different ways to share your truth. Talking through your feelings and different scenarios with a therapist , especially one who is LGBTQIA+ affirming, can help you to feel more supported and ready to come out. Practice grounding techniques like deep breathing, meditation, or visualization to ease anxiety ahead of sharing your identity. Helpful resources for coming out include: Trevor Project Lifeline (1-866-488-7386) TrevorSpace (an online community for LGBTQIA+ youth) OurCenter (a local community center for the LGBTQIA+ community in Reno) During the Coming Out Process: Staying Grounded The act of coming out can feel intimidating, as you’re sharing such a vital part of who you are. You might experience fear, panic, or doubt. While these feelings are real, know that you don’t have to navigate them alone. Tips for emotional resilience: Practice conversations ahead of time with a therapist or supportive friend so you feel ready when the time comes to share. Choose a time and place where you feel safe and in control. Use affirming statements, like, “I deserve to be loved for who I am.” Coping with negative responses: Set emotional boundaries with people who aren’t supportive. Create an emotional safety plan: know who you can call, where you can go, and what can help soothe you in moments of distress. After Coming Out: Processing and Healing Coming out, no matter how it went, deserves to be celebrated. An act of strength and authenticity like coming out is no small feat, so be proud of yourself for sharing who you are. Even so, the emotional aftermath can be complicated. You might feel joy and empowerment or loss and grief, especially if relationships shift. Healing strategies: Acknowledge your courage . Even difficult conversations are acts of strength. Rebuild your safety if you've experienced rejection. This might mean changing your environment or seeking new support systems. Release guilt or shame. Being who you are is never something you should feel ashamed or guilty for. Support networks can make a huge difference. Seek out different forms of support like: LGBTQIA+ support groups (in-person or online) Peer mentors or community leaders Allies, friends, or family who affirm and respect your identity Therapeutic options to deal with stress, grief, or isolation associated with coming out: EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) can help process trauma. Narrative therapy helps you rewrite your story in your own empowering voice. Coming Out More Than Once: Navigating the Long Game Coming out isn’t just a single milestone, it’s a recurring process. You might come out again and again: to a healthcare provider, a neighbor, a partner, or a friend. It can feel exhausting or unfair to have to come out more than once, but each time, you’ll continue to find more strength, confidence, and understanding for yourself. Other tips for coming out: Focus on cultivating a strong inner identity that doesn’t rely on external validation. You know who you are, and you don’t need to prove yourself to anyone. Create a personal toolkit of coping and grounding strategies to deal with stress or burn-out associated with coming out. Thrive Wellness offers a free breathing exercise guide to help relieve anxiety and calm the nervous system. Download it here . Find affirmation and support through community. This can look like finding a chosen family, looking up to queer role models, attending events that celebrate the LGBTQIA+ community and its history, and working on embracing authenticity and having pride in who you are. Remember, there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to coming out, and it’s never too late to share who you are. Whether you're preparing to come out, in the midst of sharing your truth, or processing what came after, know that you are worthy of love, safety, and joy. Your truth is worth celebrating, today and everyday! For support during the coming out process and beyond, reach out to our team of affirming, inclusive, and compassionate mental and physical health care providers. We're here for you.
Taking steps to protect and maintain good mental health is key to living your best life. Whether it's managing stress, building emotional resilience, or simply finding a moment of peace during your busy day, developing a set of strategies to protect your mental health is essential. This Mental Health Awareness Month is all about turning action into awareness, so why not take action today to care for yourself and improve your mental health? This guide outlines ten impactful activities you can incorporate into your daily routine to boost your mental health starting today. By incorporating these activities into your days, you can take control of your mental health journey, grow personally, and improve your relationship with yourself and others. Why is Taking Action for Your Mental Health Important? Understanding the significance of proactive mental health care can change how we treat ourselves and move through our everyday lives. Taking action for yourself not only improves your overall well-being but also helps prevent existing or potential issues from becoming more severe. When you prioritize your mental health, you’ll feel a greater sense of happiness and productivity, paving the way for stronger relationships and a fuller, more enjoyable life. Focusing on your mental health is not just about problem-solving, but about living in a balanced and fulfilling way that supports your overall well-being and ability to thrive. 10 Effective Activities for Improving Your Mental Health It’s essential to have a repertoire of activities on hand that can boost your mental health. Simple activities like sleeping enough, meditating, spending time with a friend, or seeing a therapist can have huge impacts on your overall mental wellness. Prioritizing your mental health doesn’t have to be complicated or difficult, it’s just about doing activities that make you feel joyful, relaxed, or energized, fueling a better outlook on life overall. Here are 10 activities you can do today to help your brain and body to feel their best: 1. Mindful Practices Practicing mindfulness is a simple yet impactful step you can take in improving and protecting your mental health. Mindfulness practices include activities like meditating and mindful breathing to calm the mind and reconnect with the body. Meditation and breathing exercises are shown to reduce stress, improve focus, and grow your self-awareness. For more breathing exercises for anxiety relief, download our free guide “Breathe Easy” . 2. Eating Intuitively Eating intuitively is a powerful way to boost your energy and mood and reduce stress around food, helping to improve your overall mental health. This approach encourages a healthy relationship with food by promoting balance, variety, and pleasure without guilt. Intuitive eating helps you recognize and respond to your body's signals, leading to more mindful and satisfying eating experiences. By focusing on how foods make you feel, both physically and emotionally, you can make healthier choices that nourish your body and mind. Adequate nutrition has been shown to support brain function, improve mood, and reduce the risk of mental health conditions. 3. Sleep Hygiene Practicing good sleep hygiene is essential for maintaining overall health and wellbeing. Establishing a consistent bedtime routine helps regulate your sleep patterns, ensuring you get the deep sleep your body needs. Aim to go to bed and wake up at the same time each day if possible. Quality sleep is vital for cognitive function, emotional stability, and physical health, making good sleep hygiene a key component of wellness. 4. Mindful Movement Doing movement that you enjoy can have massive impacts on your mental health. Exercise reduces stress by triggering the release of endorphins, which have mood-lifting and pain-relieving effects. It also helps regulate hormones like cortisol, improving the body's ability to handle stress. By simply incorporating enjoyable movement into your routine a few times a week, you’ll see improvements in both your mental and physical health. 5. Go Outside Spending time outside can support physical, mental, and emotional well-being. It allows you to disconnect from everyday stressors, reconnect with the natural world, and experience a sense of tranquility and peace. Spending time in nature has been linked to reduced anxiety, improved mood, and increased mindfulness. Make time to explore outdoor environments such as parks, forests, beaches, or gardens. Practice mindfulness while in nature, focusing on the scenery and sounds that surround you. Incorporating nature into your daily routine can provide a refreshing break from everyday life, improving your mental health. 6. Make Time for Creative Pursuits Creative activities can be a great outlet for self-expression and reducing stress. Creativity allows you to explore new ideas, solve problems, and connect with your inner self. Even dedicating just 10 minutes a day to creative pursuits can have a positive impact on your mental health. Activities like drawing, painting, journaling, or crafting can help you unwind and stimulate your mind. Creative expression can also improve mood, enhance cognitive function, and foster a sense of accomplishment. 7. Practice Positive Self-talk Positive self-talk is a powerful habit that involves speaking to yourself in a kind, supportive, and encouraging manner. It's about cultivating a positive mindset and nurturing self-compassion. By shifting negative thoughts and beliefs to positive affirmations, you can boost your self-esteem and overall well-being. Practice acknowledging your strengths, accomplishments, and perseverance, even in challenging situations. 8. Practice Social Wellness Social wellness is about nurturing meaningful connections with others and fostering a supportive network of relationships. It involves engaging in positive interactions, building trust, and offering and receiving support. Cultivating social wellness contributes to emotional resilience, reduces feelings of isolation, and promotes overall happiness. Take time to connect with friends and family members regularly, whether through phone calls, video chats, or in-person gatherings. 9. Do Something for You Making time for yourself is crucial for maintaining life balance and preventing burnout. This involves setting boundaries, practicing self-care, and prioritizing activities that bring you joy and relaxation. Taking time for yourself allows you to recharge, reflect, and reconnect with your inner needs and desires. Self-care can take many forms, from indulging in a hobby to simply enjoying a quiet moment alone. Regularly dedicating time to yourself helps reduce stress, improve mental clarity, and enhance overall well-being. 10. Visit a Mental Health Professional Sometimes, we need professional support for our mental health, and that’s okay! Knowing when it’s time to see a therapist shows strength and self-awareness. No matter where you are in your mental health journey, getting guidance from a therapist can be a helpful tool in living your best life. Our team of mental health professionals are ready to support you now, don’t be afraid to reach out and open up. When Should I Seek Professional Help for My Mental Health? It's important to know when it's time to reach out to a mental health professional. Persistent feelings of sadness, anxiety, or emotional distress that interfere with your daily life are clear indicators for seeking professional help. If your coping mechanisms and self-care activities fail to alleviate your mental health concerns, reaching out can offer valuable support and interventions. Nurturing Your Mental Well-being Through Action Investing time and effort in your mental health can make positive differences in your everyday life. By understanding the importance of mental health practices and incorporating proactive strategies, you lay the groundwork for feeling better and staying mentally strong over time. Whether through improved sleep hygiene, mindful practices, or seeking professional help when needed, these efforts can bring more joy, emotional stability, and peace into your life. Make these activities a regular part of your day with a focus on self-growth, and you'll be on your way to a healthier mind and a fuller life.
Romantic relationships can be one of the most joyful parts of life, but they can also stir up deep fears, especially for those living with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD). When OCD takes shape around your relationship, it’s known as Relationship OCD (ROCD), a lesser-known but deeply distressing form of OCD that centers on obsessive fears and doubts about your partner or the relationship itself. Have you ever found yourself spending hours analyzing how you feel, seeking reassurance that your partner is “the one,” or constantly second-guessing whether you’re truly in love? If so, you’re not alone. ROCD is real, and with the right tools and support, healing is possible. Let’s break down what Relationship OCD really looks like, how it affects interactions, and how to find more peace, connection, and presence in your relationship. What is Relationship OCD? Relationship OCD is a subset of obsessive-compulsive disorder that fixates on doubts, fears, or perceived flaws within romantic relationships. Unlike the normal ups and downs that every couple experiences, ROCD involves a preoccupation with intrusive thoughts that feel impossible to stop thinking about, like whether you’re really attracted to your partner, or if they’re “good enough” for you. These thoughts can feel distressing, uncontrollable, and all-consuming. What sets ROCD apart is the compulsive mental checking that follows. You might replay interactions, examine your partner’s every word, or repeatedly ask friends or family members, “Do you think we’re good together?” These rituals, designed to bring relief, often do the opposite. They intensify the anxiety and begin to erode the connection you’re trying to protect. Relationship OCD Examples: What It Can Look Like in Real Life ROCD doesn’t always look the same for everyone. For some, it shows up as intense anxiety about having children with their partner: “What if they’re not going to be a good parent?” For others, it might revolve around analyzing every interaction or feeling jealous of a past relationship their partner had. Here are a few common presentations of ROCD: “Do I love them enough? ” spirals, even when nothing’s wrong. Feeling distressed if your partner doesn’t respond the “right” way during a conversation. Constantly seeking reassurance from others about your relationship. Comparing your partner to idealized versions of relationships you see online. Avoiding important conversations or decisions (like parent-child planning) because of underlying doubts. The key thing to remember? These thoughts are symptoms of OCD, not reflections of reality. How OCD Affects Relationships ROCD can strain even the strongest partnerships. When someone is stuck in a cycle of obsessions and compulsions, it often leads to emotional distance, communication breakdowns, and frustration on both sides. A partner might feel like they’re walking on eggshells or like they’re being constantly evaluated. Meanwhile, the person experiencing ROCD may feel ashamed, misunderstood, or exhausted by their own mind. Many individuals report feeling like they can’t be fully present during time with their partner because their mind is so busy analyzing, comparing, or worrying. And over time, these patterns can impact the health of the relationship itself. That’s why relationship-centered, mental health-informed approaches are so vital. How to Treat Relationship OCD Thankfully, ROCD is treatable. But the most effective treatments don’t just focus on the relationship, they focus on the OCD. At Thrive, our therapists often use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and a specialized approach called Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy (ERP) . These modalities help people face their fears without performing compulsions. Over time, this rewires the brain’s response to uncertainty. Therapists may also incorporate experiential techniques like eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, which engage both the body and mind to help clients process intrusive thoughts and emotional pain. For some, prescription medication like SSRIs may be helpful as part of a treatment plan. For couples navigating ROCD together, couples counseling can support healthy communication and connection without reinforcing compulsions. How to Support a Partner with Relationship OCD If your partner is experiencing ROCD, your role is crucial. It's not about "fixing" them though, it’s about being a safe, steady presence. Here are a few ways to support your partner with ROCD: Educate yourself about OCD and ROCD so you can identify symptoms versus your partner’s true feelings. Avoid reassurance loops . It’s tempting to soothe their fears, but constant reassurance can reinforce the cycle. Encourage professional support with a therapist or psychologist experienced in OCD. Focus on building a relationship where uncertainty is tolerated, not feared. Practice empathy. Remember that these thoughts are distressing and involuntary. With the right tools and support, both of you can learn how to thrive even in the midst of mental health challenges. Final Thoughts: Healing Together ROCD can feel isolating and confusing, but you don’t have to face it alone. Whether you’re the one struggling or the one supporting, healing happens through community, compassion, and the right care. At Thrive Wellness, we believe in compassionate, holistic care, and we’re here to walk alongside you. Whether you need individual therapy, couples counseling, or a dedicated treatment plan, we’re here to help you find your way back to connection, peace, and presence. Need support? Reach out today and begin your journey toward healing together. For tools to help you cope with anxious thoughts, download our free breathing exercises guide "Breathe Easy" .
